Today was rough. I’d rather keep the rough days to myself and not share them honestly–especially on my blog. But I was thinking about how often it makes me feel so alone when I read other blogs and their lives seem so together, they couldn’t possibly have days like this…
So here’s to not feeling alone.
Eleanor is a very good, sweet baby. But I’m realizing more and more that she’s also a very sensitive little girl. Poor baby, probably got my temperament. This realization started with her inability to nap well during the day. She will fall asleep (after much swaying, swaddling, complete darkness, and shhing) and I feel I could die of love when I watch her, and I think to myself she is what angels look like. Then I doze off, too, and it’s like heaven, but sometimes only 20 minutes later she wakes up and begins looking around the room wildly or starts to fuss because she’s still so tired. I look blearily over at her and want to die I’m so, so tired. When I get up to pick her up, though, she looks up at me like I’m the risen Christ—she beams, and makes raspberries, and does these adorable, frantic bicycle kicks. Then I feel I can go on. But seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been so up and down in my life. I’m on a non-stop learning curve….learning her, learning myself in a whole new way. The biggest growth spurts of my life. It’s amazing and necessary, yes, but also so exhausting…and painful. Like real growing pains. No one ever tells you that. No one ever tells you how crazy you’ll be, how spent you’ll feel all the time. At least I didn’t know.
Anyway, she wouldn’t nap well at all and she’d get over-tired and cry and cry. Then she wouldn’t nurse well because she was over-tired…then she’d be over-hungry. Oh, it’s a vicious, vicious cycle. So the only way she’ll really nap is when she’s in the wrap or the ergo with a blanket over her head. But I’d been reading books on sleep and, you know, some of them look down on letting babies sleep anywhere but their crib (and I’m already losing there cause she doesn’t have one). So I was trying that way…getting her to sleep and then putting her down by herself…but literally 10 minutes would go by and she’d be awake again. And as the day would go on she’d get more and more fussy because she was so tired. It seemed to me like she was just sensitive, getting overstimulated by her surroundings (now that she can see more and is taking more in), didn’t want to be alone, and just needed help shutting down…that’s what I thought deep down. But what did I know? I’m a new mom… I must just be doing something wrong.
Well, she had her well-baby check up today and I talked to her Dr. about everything. The first thing she said and noticed was, “She just seems sensitive. If she sleeps best on you in the carrier right now, then that’s where she should take her naps right now. Mom’s all over the world do it this way. It’s very natural—for both of you.” Then she went on to say sweet things to me that every new mom desperately wants to hear…And I literally cried for the rest of the appointment. Just when I thought I was doing a horrible job with my daughter and couldn’t do it anymore, this Dr. from heaven says I’ve already gone ahead and done it before I realized I had.
Thank you Jesus for good Doctors.
And, Eleanor, you are lovely. You are going to be such a wonderfully curious, relational, and sensitive woman someday. I’m sorry for being a slow learner and wanting to give up some days. Thank you for being patient with me and smiling so much. I love you.
