The Mod Antiquarian

So there have been the most promising signs of Spring happening the past few weeks here in Portland, in case you haven’t noticed (those of you who live in Portland most definitely have)…

One sign being the loveliest—tormentingly sporadic—sunny days. We decided to take advantage of it and go for an evening stroll without our coats! It was bliss, to say the least. And while we were at it we snapped a few shots of my and Eleanor’s springy outfits since it has been eons since I’ve done an outfit post on here.

Hope you’ve been enjoying these lighter, warmer, longer days as much as we have. xo.

Mama wore: White eyelet blouse, anthropologie (last year). Mustard pilcro jeans, anthropologie (on sale! sold out in mustard, but other fabulous colors still available). Chambray blazer, thrifted. Ankle boots, hasbeens. Sling, sakurabloom.

Eleanor wore: Floral dress, baby boden (last season, sold out). Striped leggings, baby gap (sold out also, but lots of other cute ones right now!)

So I know this is really REALLY late, but I know you are the most gracious of readers and might humor me anyway.

And it was just too special of a day not to share. Last month our baby girl turned 1 and we celebrated big…with oversized, pink, fringe garlands, cupcakes, pom poms, rosemary kabobs, pictures everywhere of our first year with Eleanor, and way too many friends for our tiny apartment. It was crazy cozy and filled with so much love for our girl. We were feeling mighty blessed indeed.

The funny thing is she liked the singing more than the cupcake and a particular RYE CRACKER she wouldn’t let go of the whole time. Rye cracker over a cupcake?! She actually might not really be our child…but, we’re not complaining.

We might be just a little in love with her.

It was the loveliest celebration for the loveliest little person. We love you, Eleanor. A thousand times, we love you.

I meant to post this yesterday, but, as you can imagine, I was too busy celebrating my daughter’s first birthday! I don’t know how this year flew by so quickly. I remember Eleanor’s arrival like it was yesterday. How is she already a 1-year-old?! All the countless pictures and memories tell me it has been a whole year, but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s just scary how quickly the time goes. Needless to say, it’s been a very bittersweet past couple of days for me.”The days are long,” say other mommas who see me toting my baby around. “But the years are short,” they always add. I’ve heard this a lot this year.

They mean carpe diem, or something like it: this time won’t last forever, so enjoy the moments while she’s still small. But in my experience thus far, I feel like the days AND this year have flown (no fair). Between lifting her out of her crib in the morning and laying her down for the night, I feel like I’m chasing down the clock. I pull her from the crib, change her diaper and her clothes (sometimes twice, if I’m unlucky), and head for the kitchen. I’m always surprised: eight o’ clock already? But the glowing green numbers on the microwave don’t lie. So I scarf down some toast and we’re off for a walk, and in no time it seems, to sleep again: morning nap. If I’m disciplined, I write, read or do laundry or some dinner prep. Otherwise, I twiddle the time away on blogs and emails.

Either way, the wake-up cry or talking always comes sooner than I expect, and I head her way for diapering, nursing, errands, play, and another nap in the afternoon. And those have been my days since my sweet girl has come into my life. Well, other than the first 6 months. Those were basically spent in the nursing chair. There was a time when I thought that chair might just be my new permanent place of residence. A new place of residence that was not always easy to accept, to be honest. I would have moments of missing my “freedom.” But then I quickly remembered that in a blink she will be 5 and then 13 and then gone and it would immediately cause me to snuggle her closer, grieve a little, and swear to never have a moment of such selfishness again.

Anyway, I’m rambling. All this to say, it has been a bittersweet few days. I miss my sweet, delicious smelling, soft, newborn. I even miss the fussy newborn that we would swaddle and bounce and nurse for hours…There was a real sweetness and intimacy and rawness about that time. My baby-blue, hormonal, momma self would never have said that, but this momma today says it—with all her heart. And then as much as I miss newborn Eleanor, I am so in love with 1 year old Eleanor (she’s amazing, people. amazing) and excited to see more of who this lovely person is this next year and the year after that.

Now that it’s been almost 1 whole year (!) since my sweet girl was born and I became a momma, I thought I’d share some of the things that have gotten me through and been essential to my experience as a new mom thus far. Hopefully some of you new moms/moms-to-be will find this helpful.

1. Milkmaid tea or Mother’s milk tea (tasty and helps with milk supply) or something good and caffeinated after a high-needs, sleepless night is just what the dr. ordered. It’s also just nice to cozy up with some tea at the end of the day, when baby is sleeping, and have a little “me” time.

2. American Apparel (Saves the day again. I’m addicted to that place) bras. I never got into nursing bras. They were too expensive for my blood (at least the good ones that won’t fall apart on you after one wash). So I just got a ton of these and these they’ve worked great for me. Super easy to pull out the boob and put back, so comfortable AND sexy. I also love wearing these at night.

3. Nursing Pads: I liked these disposables and these reusables the best. Please excuse the ridiculous name of the latter. They worked really well! The other kinds of reusables I would still often leak through onto my shirt, but these were super absorbant! P.S. Around 9 months postpartum my milk really started to regulate and I have not needed to use nursing pads much anymore. So there is an end to them, don’t worry!

4. Flats and Clogs- They were my best friends over the summer. They’re practical and beautiful. Two absolutes, especially for a momma. Oh and these. I’m hoping, badly, saltwaters are back in style for awhile (comfiest. sandal. ever). I’m looking forward to bringing these shoes back into rotation come spring and warmer days. For the fall and winter boots, boots, and more boots  have been my faithful friends. Again, practical, comfortable and pretty.

Don’t you miss these warm days?

And a fall/winter shot + a deliciously, chubby baby foot…

5. Loose fitted tops like these (AMAZING t-shirts. Feel like $50, but only $15. Win! Also they just came out with a long sleeve that looks the comfiest) or this cozy sweater (I live in that thing) or this darling blouse to dress your look up a bit- You can easily and discreetly nurse in public without those nursing covers that were such a hassle to me. If you’re shy about the whole thing (which I totally was at first when I was still learning) they didn’t really make me feel any better. I was fumbling around with it like an idiot and to me they scream for attention and practically yell, “Hey everybody! I’m nursing my baby!” I’d rather flash my boob if I wanted to shout it to the world than mess with that thing. Not only did the covers not work for me practically, but they weren’t working for my convictions either. It made me feel like I was trying to hide one of the most natural, important things in the world: feeding a baby. Those of you who love the nursing covers, I mean no disrespect, if you feel most comfortable using one then by all means use one. I just wanted to share my experience with them and and encourage the mama’s out there who would like another option. Feel proud to nurse your sweet babies in public. As you can see from the photo below, it’s really modest (I bet, for those of you who follow me on instagram, you didn’t even know she was nursing in this picture!). At this point, I’ve ended up breastfeeding Eleanor all over Portland, and it has been a wonderful, freeing experience. Now I barely think twice about it!

6. A flattering, comfortable pair of jeans- Mobility is key when you’re a momma so jeans are a must. And the flattering factor is just as key. I live in skinnies and straight legs. I’ll love levi’s forever (affordable and timeless) and I have a new love for J.Crew jeans. I have these and wear them daily.

7. Mascara: It does wonders my friends. My current favorites are MAC’s new In Extreme Dimension Lash in black and Buxom lash in black by Bare Escentuals. Oh, and I only put it on my top lashes—not my bottom ones. Inspired by the 60s originally, but now I just think it has a way of making me look less tired.

8. Another easy beauty essential in my book is bright lipstick: It transforms you look with ease and brightens up your whole face. One of my all-time favorites is J. Crew’s Poppy King. Over the fall and winter season, I’ve especially enjoyed going a little darker with this fantastic shade.

9. Baby carriers- I love, love, LOVE my Sakura Bloom sling. They are gorgeous, easy, comfortable, and Eleanor loves it too! You can wear it easily with a newborn all the way up to 35 lbs! I often wear Eleanor on my hip in it now that she’s bigger. The Ergo is also a favorite. Daniel especially loves it because it fits his frame really nicely.

A shot of the sling in action…

And here’s a not so great shot of the Ergo but too sweet of a picture not to share…

10. Wine- I love having a glass before bed. Now that Eleanor sleeps through the night I feel more free to have a glass (or two, lets be honest) at the end of the day curled up with a book or my laptop writing blog posts and browsing the web. It’s such a relaxer for me.

11. Baths- They were essential in pregnancy and remain essential now (you momma’s out there know what I’m talking about). I like to put a little lavender bubble bath in mine.

12. Date nights- some with your partner and some with just yourself. They are vital for your sanity, and being a good mom. Being a momma is all-consuming. By far the most demanding thing I’ve ever taken on. So making time to fill myself and my marriage has become just as necessary as air. It’s more important now than it ever has been and yet its harder to make happen than it ever has been. I think its also important for your child to see you take care of yourself and see his/her parents love and nurture their relationship. I think that has a way of growing security in your child and sending them the message that relationship with others and yourself are priorities. Knowing that makes it easier to leave Eleanor when I feel like I can’t or don’t want to. 

The husband and I on a movie date a few months back…

13. The Moop market bag-  This is what I have used for a diaper bag. It’s not really a diaper bag, but it has worked perfectly as one. I loathed the idea of getting a diaper bag. Overpriced. Ugly. Clunky. Ugh. Then my friend told me about Moop bags, I looked them up and I was sold. They’re pretty, handmade, and made of quality long-lasting materials. The market bag, specifically, is big, deep, and has pockets—making it perfect for all that baby stuff! I’ve loved it.

Well that’s my list (or most of it anyway) thus far as a new momma. What have some of your go-tos/essentials been? I woud love to hear from you other mommas!

Also, my pregnancy essentials for all of you pregnants!

Though I do appreciate and like many things about winter sometimes the dark, rainy, cold days can be long and bring me down. I wrote out this list to cheer me up and remind me of all the things I have and a few things I get to enjoy (especially) during this season.

1. The crazy silly things my husband will do to make our daughter laugh.

2. Reading a good book on the couch late at night with my tea, after everyone else has gone to bed.

3. Tears — sometimes the other side of them bring the best kind of happy.

4. The smell of the earth after a good rain.

5. Cozy dinner parties and too much wine (especially with my girls).

6. Embarking on a new project (mainly canning and sewing these days).

7. Eating the first cookie, slice of bread, etc. that I pull out of the oven.

8. Seeing my husband’s face light up just as much as Eleanor’s when they see each other.

9. Getting flowers for my home (especially in the winter)

10. Sipping wine while cooking dinner with a little music in the background.

What sorts of things do you enjoy during winter? What do you do to shake off the winter blues?

Ok, so I realize we’re almost at the end of January and I’m just now sharing my new years resolutions with you. One of them being to blog more (whoops). Better late than never is such a great motto though. I’m not too much of a resolutions-kind-of-person, if that’s even a thing, but, for some reason, I have felt particularly excited about this year. I’m excited about starting fresh and (hopefully) making a few changes that will make for a healthier, happier life.

So I guess lets just get it out of the way and start with the hardest one on the list…

Better sleep habits - Ever since becoming a parent it has been made painfully clear to me how dependent and human I am (yes, I was that proud to ever think otherwise). One very real and obvious example is my need for sleep. As a parent, you lose a lot of it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s pretty amazing I’m even functioning at the level I am, considering how little sleep I’ve gotten over the past year. But, I think that’s primarily because I have an amazing husband who lets me sleep in on the weekends (you have a much bigger heart than I do, D. I’m indebted). I also have learned to nap when she napped (early on at least, but still sometimes even now) and go to bed earlier. To let go of my “to-d0″ lists and “oh-so-important plans” and think about my family before myself, because, at the end of the day, I am just horrible when I don’t get enough sleep. Ask my husband. I’m no good to anyone. It’s hard to not be selfish and go to bed early though. It’s the only time I get to myself—those late, quiet hours of the night. It’s the only time when I’m not a mom, I’m just me… reading my book or writing or browsing the internet. It’s like the hardest thing for me to let go of, however silly and selfish it may sound. But I have to let go of it to be a better momma and wife and friend and everything. And really, when it comes down to it, I have plenty of evening time to myself…I mean Eleanor goes to bed at 6:30! I’m setting my bedtime at 9:30-10:00. That’s more than enough hours to myself.

Save more $ - The husband and I are setting the bar high and getting serious about our savings account this year. Probably the second hardest thing for me.

Start a new hobby (ok maybe two) – I joined the Portland Preservation Society and started canning! I’ve been wanting to can since forever ago and this is the year I finally took the plunge and I’m completely addicted. I’ve made cinnamon blood-orange marmalade from this book (which I highly recommend by the way) and this marmalade (it’s citrus season hence only marmalades thus far). They made for lovely Christmas gifts and I now have a deeper appreciation for marmalade. It’s a little bit of work, but so delicious and worth it! As for new hobby #2, I would like to take a sewing class. I’ve done it a handful of times and really enjoy it (I sewed our Christmas stockings this year! Post to come…) and would like to get better and more confident at it. I think it would grow in me more resourcefulness and creativity, both of which I think are essential to the good life.

Giving - I want to give more. I want to volunteer my time to help people and show my daughter the importance of giving back. So I will be actively looking into opportunities through my church and perhaps some non-profits for ways I can serve the people around me more.

Date my husband more - D and I made a goal of at least 1 date a month without baby, out of the house. I know it may not sound like much but, trust me, with how busy life gets and how demanding parenthood is, once a month sounds amazing to us.

Blog more - Get ready for more posts! I miss it too much and it’s good for my soul.

Simplify - Get rid of stuff and only acquire things that we need and that will last. Quality over quantity. We’ve already taken like 6 full garbage bags to good will (huzzah!)

Health - Eat raw greens of some kind at least once a day- no explanation needed. And get back into running…2-3 times/week. I’m a momma of a baby now folks, the bar just can’t be that high. And I’m learning that I tend toward the “all or nothing” way of thinking and there’s a little too much “nothing” happening around here. So I’m adopting a new mentality… Moving my body and exercising my heart 2 times a week is worlds better than no times a week.

Well those are my resolutions. I am really excited about them and glad to put them down here…holds me more accountable somehow. What are some of your resolutions?

Above pictures taken over the weekend at Hoyt Arboretum, Portland, OR.

One of my most favorite things that Eleanor does these days is how she looks up at me from time to time when we’re on a walk and she’s right up close to me in the sling. We’re just walking, both of us looking around at all the golden trees, breathing the cold, crisp autumnal air and then, suddenly, she tilts her little head back and looks up at me. Like she’s just checking in, making this intentional effort to connect with me. And then she’ll just hold my gaze for the longest time. It amazes me. Adults don’t do that. We don’t really look at each other. At least not for very long. It’s too vulnerable; intimate. But babies don’t know that. They just see you and want to connect with you. They’re unself-consciousness is beautiful. It’s got to be in the top 10 most wonderful things about them. Sometimes I envy her for it but, mostly, I just feel incredibly grateful that I get to learn from her and experience (even if just a taste) again what I lost by the time I was 4 years old…raw, honest, uninhibited connection with someone. A timeless gaze with no awkwardness or fear attached. She’s so free. I can’t help but think how different my relationships would be if I could let go of myself like she does. And it makes me sad to think about her losing this ability. I don’t want her to experience the bite of self-consciousness and fear. She’s so lovely and perfect and worthy of being known. God, may she not learn anything but that from me.

Eleanor has taught me more about human connection in 9 months than I could ever teach anyone in my whole life. And I have a feeling that’s not the last important thing I will be learning from my daughter.

I posted a picture of this soup in one of my more recent posts and knew I would be getting back to it before fall was over and before the holidays arrived. It was too good not to share. Soup is one of the traditions of autumn I look forward to most. This was the first time I made this particular soup and was very pleased with it and will most definitely be making it again before the season’s over. It was so simple to make and you would never have guessed it. These recipes are my favorite. Simple, yet delicious.

I found the recipe in my cookbook, Homemade (which I also highly recommend). This cookbook has over 200 from-scratch recipes. Teas, broths, cheese, mustards, chutney’s… to name a few.

Now that I’ve sold you, here’s how you make this soupy goodness…

Ingredients

1 onion, diced

2 leeks, washed and cut into rounds

3 sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed

2 cloves garlic, chopped

dab of butter

1 glass white wine

4 cups veal or chicken broth

1 bay leaf

pinch of cayenne pepper (to taste)

1 can chickpeas (14 oz)

a few sprigs fresh oregano

Before serving

4 tbsp cashews

5 tsp butter

sea salt

for each bowl, 1 tbsp creme fraiche

Braise the onion, leeks, sweet potatoes, and garlic in the butter and add the white wine. Blend in the broth as well as the bay leaf and cayenne pepper. Simmer on low heat for 25 mins. Remove half of the vegetables from the pan and puree the other half with a blender. Replace the removed vegetables and add the chickpeas and a few leaves of fresh oregano. Serve the soup in individual large bowls each with 1 tbsp cashew nuts (briefly fried in the butter and sprinkled with a little sea salt) and a generous dollop of creme fraiche.

Would make a perfect accompaniment for thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy!

So it might appear that we went all out this year with our costumes, but it’s all an illusion.Our priority this year was to figure out costumes that got a lot of bang for our buck; all while expending as little energy as possible (we don’t have much extra these days, if you know what I mean. Mammas and papas out there you know). I think we successfully pulled it off…I mean seriously, Daniel and I already had everything for our costumes (minus my beret) and when it comes down to it, Eleanor’s costume is an old pillow case with a money sign drawn on it. It’s the concept that counts, right?

Bonnie, Clyde, and the precious money bag, folks…

We spent our Halloween with a few of our sweet neighbors and their babies eating candy and pumpkin bread, drinking spiked cider, and drooling over our sweet babies. It was a great evening.

After I put Eleanor to bed at her cute bedtime of 6:30pm (yes, all of the above happened before 6:30 in the evening), I passed out candy to all the  trick-or-treaters and couldn’t help but think how fun it will be when Eleanor can go trick-or-treating like that.

Hope you all had a spooky and fun, halloween! What did you and/or your families dress up as? 

Sauvie Island,  October 2012

I’ve been in a bit of a funk the past few weeks. Eleanor has three teeth coming in right now, so she hates her life. Maybe that’s why. When she hates her life, I hate mine. That’s kinda how motherhood goes I suppose. But, no, I don’t think that’s the real reason for the funk. It’s just been something that I’ve notice happening when the only thing I’ve heard all day is my own voice conversing with a baby. That and the quiet. That cruel quiet that can so easily invite my self-doubts and feelings of loneliness to the surface. I feel ashamed of those feelings when I have so much to be grateful for in my life. But there they are, nonetheless.

What do I know about loneliness anyway? Nothing.When I think of single mothers and fathers, orphaned children, those in nursing homes, and all the forms that human loneliness takes on that I know nothing about, my feelings are made obsolete. Instantly.

But you know, one of the wonderful things about being a mama is that most of the time, there is no time for indulgence in self-doubt and loneliness. There’s a little someone always reaching her chubby arms up for you because she’d always prefer to be held by you than sit and play by herself…and though there are times when my arms would like a break and I would like some space and I’m feeling drained I give myself a mental slap in the face and tell myself, “Give her a few more short months and she’ll be walking (or crawling…this little one doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to go anywhere) and her cuddles will be rare. She’ll be walking and then she’ll be driving and then she’ll be moving out…and that sweet, constant need to be with you always will be gone. Forever.” It’s far too short …this time I have with Eleanor. And that makes the lump in my throat grow so big I can hardly breathe.

The fall has reminded me of this heartbreaking reality. Because that’s the thing about fall isn’t it? It’s far too short. And as sad as that makes me, I think that’s why fall is so wonderful. Because of it’s scarceness. Our indian summers always bleed  pretty far into it and then the winter rains flood in too soon, leaving us with this gorgeous scarcity. Nothing about fall can last, not the colors nor the crispness, because in reality, fall is dying. And the irony is, it’s so beautiful.

Eleanor will be 9 whole months come November 6th. Oh how it pains my heart seeing her grow older and older by the second. But fall reminds me…it is so precious and wonderful because I know I can’t keep it. For hardly a moment is here, chubby cheeks and delicious rolly-polly thighs and then they’re gone…its finally cool enough for cute sweaters but before long you’ll have no idea how cute it is because it’ll be hidden under your raincoat and won’t that be a shame.

But we do the best we can…and today I choose to be grateful. Grateful I get to be with her every second of every day, especially the teething ones. Grateful that death can be beautiful.